A Fear Realized…(rambling)
Lakota told me that while he was at a terminal in California that a chick named Cheri hit on him. They talked off and on for about four/five hours and she said to him, “I’m training with ‘blah’ company. Would you mind if I gave you a call if I have some questions or need advice?” He told her he didn’t mind and gave her his number. HELLO?!?! IS IT JUST ME OR IS IT NOT OBVIOUS THAT SHE PLANS ON CALLING HIM NOT TO TALK ABOUT DRIVING….
Apparently, it began last night. She sent him a series of messages, the first one starting “Hey studly”. The next one I’m aware of states “Thank you for making me smile today.” He asked, “How did I make you smile?” She replied, “By just being you…” Her last message, that I’m aware of, said, “Why are all the good ones taken?” He replied, “Because their good…”
Mind you, I received this information, not by going through his phone, but from his own mouth. Due to that fact, I should trust him wholeheartedly, right? Then why do I feel the overwhelming urge to rip her throat out and leave her to die? Why do I feel threatened? Lakota and I are happy together and he has proven that his word is his bond…that no matter what, he will always he honest and truthful with me and those he considers friends/family. Knowing this is fact, why am I so enraged? And who do I direct it towards? He’s proven, also, that when it comes to women flirting with him, he’s completely oblivious…this I’ve seen with my own eyes. Do I remain angry and lash out at this development? Do I let it go and wait to hear more about this skank moving in on my territory?
…….MY territory……I feel like an animal protecting what’s mine…I feel like growling and snarling and lashing out on an intruder….like a wolf protecting my pack….
*sigh* I’ve been jealous before, don’t get me wrong….but never to this degree. I’ve always been the first one to step up and protect what I consider mine…but never with someone I’m dating….friends and family, if they’re getting into an argument or entering a fight, sure! But never to protect or dare I say prevent someone from moving in on what I’ve claimed is mine…
Does he even understand what this is doing to my emotions? It’s bad enough I have to listen to him talk about his ex-wife and he being buddy/buddy with each other, her calling him up, letting him talk to his ex-stepdaughters and chitchatting with her…granted, he does it for the benefit of his son…but now, I have to listen about some random chick as well? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I actually felt the need to apologize to him because I feel like I’m being controlling and possessive…the way that several past boyfriends have treated me…Should I try and ignore the alarm in my head screaming “Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert! Take ‘Er Out!”
I feel like someone’s on my land, about to destroy it and start building something where I’ve already spent so much time laying the foundation…”territorial” is the word that keeps coming to mind when I think of this situation…
Territorial, predator, animalistic, fury, anger, possessive….all of these are the feelings I’m having.
I feel like a tiger pacing back and forth, warding off all others approaching what is mine…but it’s difficult to feel secure in succeeding to do so when he’s gone for 3+ weeks at a time…
I’m afraid my feelings and potential actions will push him away….I’m afraid that they will continue talking and he’ll begin second guessing our relationship….I’m afraid….and I HATE being afraid….
What do I do? Is there anything I can do? Apart of me is posed and ready for battle, wanting and waiting to pounce, rip to shreds, and leave the remains in the open towards my cave as a warning for all others who dare cross my path…Apart of me is hiding in that cave, waiting for the worst to happen…
I’ve been down this road before, different situation, but all the same still…it scares me…I want to trust him…I want to feel that I can believe him when he says I’m his one and only…I want to feel secure when he says that she’s only a friend, if that….but I’ve heard this all before….and I’ve been burned more times than I care to remember….people say “Don’t make the new one pay for the mistakes of the old one” and I try to hold to that…but when it’s proven that they’ve all done it, at some point or another, do I still hold to it? Do I remain the loyal, faithful, loving woman that I’ve become….the one who stands by him, regardless of how my emotions are towards this situation? Or do I regress, and become that cheating, lying, backstabbing girl I once was? Or do I remain the woman for now and regress when I find the need to?
I’d prefer to remain the woman I’ve become….I know enough little girls….I REALLY don’t want to be one again….
…maintain your pride love …hold your head high and know that he loves you, that you can trust him …feel proud that, as hard as they might try, they can’t have him because he has given himself to you …you recognize the behavior in them, you have grown past that …you are the better woman, no need to stoop to thier level